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Then why tell me first? Why tell Alhaitham first? That has nothing to do with his family. That has to do with his cowardice.
[It might be the first time Heizou's seen Kaveh truly angry. Fury is something bright and flickering in his eyes, but he cuts himself off, takes a deep breath, sighs.
It's not unnerving to Kaveh. he knows what it means, for someone like Heizou to stop smiling.]
--That's hardly the point. It does matter. Your feelings matter, and if he was so scared of losing you, they should have come before me.
[It might be the first time Heizou's seen Kaveh truly angry. Fury is something bright and flickering in his eyes, but he cuts himself off, takes a deep breath, sighs.
It's not unnerving to Kaveh. he knows what it means, for someone like Heizou to stop smiling.]
--That's hardly the point. It does matter. Your feelings matter, and if he was so scared of losing you, they should have come before me.
...Because you're safe.
[Heizou frowns a little, turning back to his drink (not the tea) as if it'll give him some solace.]
Telling you two costs him nothing. You're kind and likely to forgive him, and will soften any blow from Alhaitham who poses the greatest physical threat because of his active dislike for him.
[He doesn't talk about how his feelings matter. Because clearly they don't.]
[Heizou frowns a little, turning back to his drink (not the tea) as if it'll give him some solace.]
Telling you two costs him nothing. You're kind and likely to forgive him, and will soften any blow from Alhaitham who poses the greatest physical threat because of his active dislike for him.
[He doesn't talk about how his feelings matter. Because clearly they don't.]
And what did being safe cost him? Cost you?
[Kaveh crosses his arms, staring at Heizou.]
Heizou. Listen to me. You did not deserve to be treated this way.
[Kaveh crosses his arms, staring at Heizou.]
Heizou. Listen to me. You did not deserve to be treated this way.
[He keeps frowning at his drink, finally taking another sip of it.]
You don't know that. You don't know me.
You don't know that. You don't know me.
[Kaveh shakes his head.]
Don't I? You're standoffish and you don't trust people easily, but you're also inquisitive, and kindhearted, and you get invested in helping even strangers.
[He sighs, and leans down a little, to be at eye level.] But even if none of that were true, I still would say you didn't deserve this.
Don't I? You're standoffish and you don't trust people easily, but you're also inquisitive, and kindhearted, and you get invested in helping even strangers.
[He sighs, and leans down a little, to be at eye level.] But even if none of that were true, I still would say you didn't deserve this.
[Fuck it. Heizou downs the rest of his drink in one big gulp before putting the glass back on the table. Time to keep petting the cat.]
It- It doesn't matter, Kaveh. It's already done. And now everyone from Teyvat knows, so. [He shakes his head a little.] He doesn't have to hide anymore.
It- It doesn't matter, Kaveh. It's already done. And now everyone from Teyvat knows, so. [He shakes his head a little.] He doesn't have to hide anymore.
Why wouldn't you matter, Heizou?
[Shadowlily is doing her best here.]
What do you really want?
[Shadowlily is doing her best here.]
What do you really want?
[He's just. Going to keep very focused on watching the way Shadowlily's fur parts around his fingers as he pets her. His expression very carefully blank.]
...I don't want anything right now.
[He wants to stop hurting.]
...I don't want anything right now.
[He wants to stop hurting.]
[...Kaveh does know, if Alhaitham were to walk in the room he'd have something horrifically blunt and unexpectedly profound to say--maybe that would even be of more help to Heizou, right now. But maybe it wouldn't be, and Kaveh is the one standing here.
So he doesn't say anything, and just reaches out, to pull Heizou into a hug. Shadowlily might be a bit squished between them but she has truly never been happier.]
So he doesn't say anything, and just reaches out, to pull Heizou into a hug. Shadowlily might be a bit squished between them but she has truly never been happier.]
[He doesn't return the hug, exactly. But he certainly doesn't fight it. If anything he's probably pulling the cat in a little closer while he ducks his head down into Kaveh's chest. Like he's hiding there. And taking deep, shuddering breaths now that no one can see him.]
[Well, he'll count that as a success. And Kaveh gives excellent hugs.]
...You know, I was fifteen, when my mother left for Fontaine. [He says it kind of conversationally, because Kaveh is going to use his own trauma as a circular route to try and make a point here.]
She couldn't smile or draw in Sumeru, or looking at my face--it's funny, everyone always says I look like her, but all she ever saw was my father in me. So I told her to go, and she went. She's never come back to Sumeru since.
[He exhales slowly.] ...It was the right thing for her to do. And I...thought I deserved how it ended up for me.
...You know, I was fifteen, when my mother left for Fontaine. [He says it kind of conversationally, because Kaveh is going to use his own trauma as a circular route to try and make a point here.]
She couldn't smile or draw in Sumeru, or looking at my face--it's funny, everyone always says I look like her, but all she ever saw was my father in me. So I told her to go, and she went. She's never come back to Sumeru since.
[He exhales slowly.] ...It was the right thing for her to do. And I...thought I deserved how it ended up for me.
[Heizou is quiet as he just listens, still taking those stuttered breaths in his little hiding place. It's easier to listen. He prefers Kaveh talking about literally anything than the anxious, circular buzzing in his own brain. He's not sure what exactly Kaveh's point here is, but he still lets the man talk.]
...But?
...But?
I don't know if there's a 'but'. I...don't regret telling her to go, no matter how much it hurt. Still hurts.
[Kaveh exhales a little unsteadily.]
No one else I've ever told about what happened agreed I deserved it, though.
[Mind you, that is a grand total of two people, but details.]
[Kaveh exhales a little unsteadily.]
No one else I've ever told about what happened agreed I deserved it, though.
[Mind you, that is a grand total of two people, but details.]
You didn't.
[Heizou agrees with these faceless other people. Kaveh is too kind for his own good, sometimes.]
...Are you saying it's best that I let him go?
[Heizou agrees with these faceless other people. Kaveh is too kind for his own good, sometimes.]
...Are you saying it's best that I let him go?
I'm saying...that the fact he did what he did to protect his family, and the fact you did not deserve how he hurt you are both true.
[And he has Opinions about that.]
I can't tell you whether or not letting him go is right. Did you want to?
[And he has Opinions about that.]
I can't tell you whether or not letting him go is right. Did you want to?
[He goes quiet again, just thinking that through. Kaveh isn't necessarily wrong, and he knows it. But it doesn't alleviate any of the weight in his chest, or bring any warmth or comfort to what feels like a cold gaping hole inside of him.
Kaveh's question makes him stop moving, hands still where he'd still been absently petting Shadowlily.]
...No.
[Heizou's voice is very quiet as he admits this. Small and vulnerable and so, so sad.]
Kaveh's question makes him stop moving, hands still where he'd still been absently petting Shadowlily.]
...No.
[Heizou's voice is very quiet as he admits this. Small and vulnerable and so, so sad.]
Then...you can let yourself be angry. Be sad. Be hurt.
[Kaveh's voice grows a little softer.]
None of that feeling...goes away if you try to shove it down or will it away. It just builds, and builds, and builds, until it can't be contained, and snaps. That...isn't an experience I'd wish on anyone.
[Kaveh's voice grows a little softer.]
None of that feeling...goes away if you try to shove it down or will it away. It just builds, and builds, and builds, until it can't be contained, and snaps. That...isn't an experience I'd wish on anyone.
[Heizou lets out a long, shuddering sigh, ducking his head further out of sight against Kaveh's chest.]
...I'm tired of hurting.
[That's why he keeps trying to push it away, further and further with all the strength he can possibly muster. But Kaveh's right. It just build and builds and it feels like it's swallowing him whole. Months of waiting for Lyney to tell him the truth that he'd been slowly piecing together, quietly waiting and hoping for there to be enough trust or security or something so that he'd feel able to tell him. All that patience just to get thrown in his face when he has to hear it from someone else. It feels like it's eating Heizou alive.]
...I'm tired of hurting.
[That's why he keeps trying to push it away, further and further with all the strength he can possibly muster. But Kaveh's right. It just build and builds and it feels like it's swallowing him whole. Months of waiting for Lyney to tell him the truth that he'd been slowly piecing together, quietly waiting and hoping for there to be enough trust or security or something so that he'd feel able to tell him. All that patience just to get thrown in his face when he has to hear it from someone else. It feels like it's eating Heizou alive.]
I know. I wish I could tell you it gets easier.
[Because--it never really went away for Kaveh. The Palace is an open wound he inscribed on the face of Sumeru, but frankly, he bleeds every time he wakes up and looks in the mirror.]
I can only tell you I found things that made it worth carrying. I wish I knew...what that could be for you. I'd help you look, if you'd let me.
[Because--it never really went away for Kaveh. The Palace is an open wound he inscribed on the face of Sumeru, but frankly, he bleeds every time he wakes up and looks in the mirror.]
I can only tell you I found things that made it worth carrying. I wish I knew...what that could be for you. I'd help you look, if you'd let me.
[He goes quiet again. Thoughtful. He hates the way this feels like it's opening up an old wound, something that he'd thought had healed long ago. But perhaps for the first time he's consciously realizing that it never really did, that it has always been there as a reminder in everything he does.
And he has no idea what to do about it.
So he just shakes his head a little, trying to take deep breaths because he feels like he's choking on air again.]
... Just... Can I stay here, for a while..?
[He doesn't want to go home. There's too much there that will remind him of Lyney, of being with Lyney, of all the games and mischief and giggles that they'd shared where no one could see them. A warm home that Heizou isn't sure he'll be able to have again.]
And he has no idea what to do about it.
So he just shakes his head a little, trying to take deep breaths because he feels like he's choking on air again.]
... Just... Can I stay here, for a while..?
[He doesn't want to go home. There's too much there that will remind him of Lyney, of being with Lyney, of all the games and mischief and giggles that they'd shared where no one could see them. A warm home that Heizou isn't sure he'll be able to have again.]
Yeah. We have a guest room upstairs.
[History has repeated itself, and Kaveh knows--he has to do what he can. he has to reach out and swim Heizou back to shore.
He's not sure Heizou won't find this salt in the wound, but...he can't refuse the request.]
You should ask Alhaitham before reading the things in the study, but the books he leaves all over the house are fair game.
[History has repeated itself, and Kaveh knows--he has to do what he can. he has to reach out and swim Heizou back to shore.
He's not sure Heizou won't find this salt in the wound, but...he can't refuse the request.]
You should ask Alhaitham before reading the things in the study, but the books he leaves all over the house are fair game.
Thank you.
[It isn't much assistance, but it does help a little. It's enough for Heizou, in this moment, to know that he doesn't have to go back to a place he isn't ready to see yet.
When Alhaitham is brought up, he does feel a little pang of jealousy. It reminds him that at their wedding he'd thought, even just for a moment, that maybe he could have something with Lyney. And now that feeling seems to have been torn into shreds.]
...Let him know I'm sorry for intruding.
[It isn't much assistance, but it does help a little. It's enough for Heizou, in this moment, to know that he doesn't have to go back to a place he isn't ready to see yet.
When Alhaitham is brought up, he does feel a little pang of jealousy. It reminds him that at their wedding he'd thought, even just for a moment, that maybe he could have something with Lyney. And now that feeling seems to have been torn into shreds.]
...Let him know I'm sorry for intruding.
If you have time to be sorry about it, then use it for something else more productive.
[Like this chess board which Alhaitham has brought over from the study and has placed on the dining table not very quietly at all.
Also yes, hello, here is the man of the hour himself who has already seated himself at said dining table after totally having not heard everything that was said between the two of them (he totally did) and so has come over with the intention to... help. Or as much of it as a man like Alhaitham can ever offer. Everyone here knows he has never been one to coddle others and not even being married is going to change that.]
[Like this chess board which Alhaitham has brought over from the study and has placed on the dining table not very quietly at all.
Also yes, hello, here is the man of the hour himself who has already seated himself at said dining table after totally having not heard everything that was said between the two of them (he totally did) and so has come over with the intention to... help. Or as much of it as a man like Alhaitham can ever offer. Everyone here knows he has never been one to coddle others and not even being married is going to change that.]
[Kaveh almost snorts at Alhaitham's blunt and brusque introduction, and looks up to stare at Alhaitham's very unsubtle attempt at...something. Well, for him it's a nice gesture.]
Think you two can behave while I make dinner?
Think you two can behave while I make dinner?
[Heizou slowly looks up at Alhaitham with the same sort of hollow expression on his face. He's obviously not surprised to see him exactly - the man lives here, after all - but for a moment he does wonder why he's chosen to make an appearance. It ultimately doesn't matter, though. And Heizou drags his gaze to eye the chessboard that he's brought out with him.
He still doesn't get up from where he's sitting on the floor with Kaveh and Shadowlily in his lap, even as he stares at the board on the table.]
...Chess isn't productive.
[But he'll behave for Kaveh's sake. Honestly he feels too out of it to pester Alhaitham in his usual way, anyway.]
He still doesn't get up from where he's sitting on the floor with Kaveh and Shadowlily in his lap, even as he stares at the board on the table.]
...Chess isn't productive.
[But he'll behave for Kaveh's sake. Honestly he feels too out of it to pester Alhaitham in his usual way, anyway.]
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