[He goes quiet again, just thinking that through. Kaveh isn't necessarily wrong, and he knows it. But it doesn't alleviate any of the weight in his chest, or bring any warmth or comfort to what feels like a cold gaping hole inside of him.
Kaveh's question makes him stop moving, hands still where he'd still been absently petting Shadowlily.]
...No.
[Heizou's voice is very quiet as he admits this. Small and vulnerable and so, so sad.]
Then...you can let yourself be angry. Be sad. Be hurt.
[Kaveh's voice grows a little softer.]
None of that feeling...goes away if you try to shove it down or will it away. It just builds, and builds, and builds, until it can't be contained, and snaps. That...isn't an experience I'd wish on anyone.
[Heizou lets out a long, shuddering sigh, ducking his head further out of sight against Kaveh's chest.]
...I'm tired of hurting.
[That's why he keeps trying to push it away, further and further with all the strength he can possibly muster. But Kaveh's right. It just build and builds and it feels like it's swallowing him whole. Months of waiting for Lyney to tell him the truth that he'd been slowly piecing together, quietly waiting and hoping for there to be enough trust or security or something so that he'd feel able to tell him. All that patience just to get thrown in his face when he has to hear it from someone else. It feels like it's eating Heizou alive.]
[Because--it never really went away for Kaveh. The Palace is an open wound he inscribed on the face of Sumeru, but frankly, he bleeds every time he wakes up and looks in the mirror.]
I can only tell you I found things that made it worth carrying. I wish I knew...what that could be for you. I'd help you look, if you'd let me.
[He goes quiet again. Thoughtful. He hates the way this feels like it's opening up an old wound, something that he'd thought had healed long ago. But perhaps for the first time he's consciously realizing that it never really did, that it has always been there as a reminder in everything he does.
And he has no idea what to do about it.
So he just shakes his head a little, trying to take deep breaths because he feels like he's choking on air again.]
... Just... Can I stay here, for a while..?
[He doesn't want to go home. There's too much there that will remind him of Lyney, of being with Lyney, of all the games and mischief and giggles that they'd shared where no one could see them. A warm home that Heizou isn't sure he'll be able to have again.]
[It isn't much assistance, but it does help a little. It's enough for Heizou, in this moment, to know that he doesn't have to go back to a place he isn't ready to see yet.
When Alhaitham is brought up, he does feel a little pang of jealousy. It reminds him that at their wedding he'd thought, even just for a moment, that maybe he could have something with Lyney. And now that feeling seems to have been torn into shreds.]
If you have time to be sorry about it, then use it for something else more productive.
[Like this chess board which Alhaitham has brought over from the study and has placed on the dining table not very quietly at all.
Also yes, hello, here is the man of the hour himself who has already seated himself at said dining table after totally having not heard everything that was said between the two of them (he totally did) and so has come over with the intention to... help. Or as much of it as a man like Alhaitham can ever offer. Everyone here knows he has never been one to coddle others and not even being married is going to change that.]
[Kaveh almost snorts at Alhaitham's blunt and brusque introduction, and looks up to stare at Alhaitham's very unsubtle attempt at...something. Well, for him it's a nice gesture.]
[Heizou slowly looks up at Alhaitham with the same sort of hollow expression on his face. He's obviously not surprised to see him exactly - the man lives here, after all - but for a moment he does wonder why he's chosen to make an appearance. It ultimately doesn't matter, though. And Heizou drags his gaze to eye the chessboard that he's brought out with him.
He still doesn't get up from where he's sitting on the floor with Kaveh and Shadowlily in his lap, even as he stares at the board on the table.]
...Chess isn't productive.
[But he'll behave for Kaveh's sake. Honestly he feels too out of it to pester Alhaitham in his usual way, anyway.]
[If Heizou thinks that how despondent he looks will in anyway affect Alhaitham at all, then he's going to be disappointed. It's not that he is ignorant of how the Inazuman is currently feeling, nor he is attempting to trivialize it, but like it or not life goes on no matter what.]
It helps to keep your mind sharp and awake. [He returns without missing a beat, arms coming up to cross over his chest.] A good mental exercise is just as valuable as a physical one, but you'll have to be out in the yard for that.
[...yeah he's trying his best here okay, Alhaitham is not good at this making people feel better thing.]
He's trying to give you other things to focus on. [Kaveh helpfully translates, before slowly standing up, tugging Heizou gently with him. Come on sir let's get you off the hardwood you'll feel that in your knees in a few years--]
Haitham, do we still have any of the cookies from the other day?
[Kaveh is considering snacks and dinner in roughly that order.]
[Honestly he doesn't think Alhaitham would be affected by anything that isn't directly related to Kaveh, so it's more like Heizou's turning his emotions off again in order to deal with him. And if he already heard everything before approaching them out here, then there's no point to rehashing anything.
He lets Kaveh pull him back up to his feet, Shadowlily having to leap away once there's no more lap to sit in. And, as if he's still in a kind of daze, Heizou makes his way over to the table. He slips into the seat opposite Alhaitham, eyes on the chessboard and frowning at the pieces.]
[After Shadowlily leaves Heizou she makes an immediate beeline for Alhaitham AKA her favorite parent, jumping right up onto his lap and happily curling up there.
Alhaitham, on his own end, pointedly ignores the black ball of fur that has meandered its way over to him in favor of glancing over to his husband, nodding in response to the question. Yes, they still have the cookies. Yes, he did want to eat them. Yes, he'll give them to Heizou, he supposes, if they must.]
You don't have to be hungry for your body to still need food.
[He tilts his head at Alhaitham--he'll give him some cookies, hush--and vanishes into the kitchen, though not before making a noise to beckon Shadowlily to follow him.]
[Heizou just makes a soft, discontented noise at Kaveh's statement, even as he continues to stare at the chess pieces. He kind of already misses having the cat curled up against him, if only because he feels so cold again, sitting upright in a proper chair at a table. It'd be better to find something he could just sink into and never emerge from again.
But finding such a thing takes effort. And Heizou can't seem to spare any for that right now. So he just stares and stares and stares at the chessboard, face blank and completely silent.]
[Even the prospect of the food cannot be ignored by Shadowlily, who oh so reluctantly uncurls herself from the lap of her favorite parent and jumps down in order to follow Kaveh to the kitchen. Alhaitham watches the feline for a bit, just to make sure she doesn't decide to take a detour to knock down another one of his fish figures, and once he's content he turns back to Heizou who is continuing on his... whatever he's doing. Being horribly despondent, clearly.
...for what it's worth, Alhaitham doesn't really make an attempt to egg him into playing chess—no point anyway if he isn't interested—so all he does it to pick up the book he brought along with him for this exact scenario and starts reading without another word. If he is at all bothered by the stiff silence that has come to settle in the room, he makes no show of it, simply doing nothing more besides continuing to read his book.]
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Kaveh's question makes him stop moving, hands still where he'd still been absently petting Shadowlily.]
...No.
[Heizou's voice is very quiet as he admits this. Small and vulnerable and so, so sad.]
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[Kaveh's voice grows a little softer.]
None of that feeling...goes away if you try to shove it down or will it away. It just builds, and builds, and builds, until it can't be contained, and snaps. That...isn't an experience I'd wish on anyone.
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...I'm tired of hurting.
[That's why he keeps trying to push it away, further and further with all the strength he can possibly muster. But Kaveh's right. It just build and builds and it feels like it's swallowing him whole. Months of waiting for Lyney to tell him the truth that he'd been slowly piecing together, quietly waiting and hoping for there to be enough trust or security or something so that he'd feel able to tell him. All that patience just to get thrown in his face when he has to hear it from someone else. It feels like it's eating Heizou alive.]
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[Because--it never really went away for Kaveh. The Palace is an open wound he inscribed on the face of Sumeru, but frankly, he bleeds every time he wakes up and looks in the mirror.]
I can only tell you I found things that made it worth carrying. I wish I knew...what that could be for you. I'd help you look, if you'd let me.
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And he has no idea what to do about it.
So he just shakes his head a little, trying to take deep breaths because he feels like he's choking on air again.]
... Just... Can I stay here, for a while..?
[He doesn't want to go home. There's too much there that will remind him of Lyney, of being with Lyney, of all the games and mischief and giggles that they'd shared where no one could see them. A warm home that Heizou isn't sure he'll be able to have again.]
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[History has repeated itself, and Kaveh knows--he has to do what he can. he has to reach out and swim Heizou back to shore.
He's not sure Heizou won't find this salt in the wound, but...he can't refuse the request.]
You should ask Alhaitham before reading the things in the study, but the books he leaves all over the house are fair game.
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[It isn't much assistance, but it does help a little. It's enough for Heizou, in this moment, to know that he doesn't have to go back to a place he isn't ready to see yet.
When Alhaitham is brought up, he does feel a little pang of jealousy. It reminds him that at their wedding he'd thought, even just for a moment, that maybe he could have something with Lyney. And now that feeling seems to have been torn into shreds.]
...Let him know I'm sorry for intruding.
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[Like this chess board which Alhaitham has brought over from the study and has placed on the dining table not very quietly at all.
Also yes, hello, here is the man of the hour himself who has already seated himself at said dining table after totally having not heard everything that was said between the two of them (he totally did) and so has come over with the intention to... help. Or as much of it as a man like Alhaitham can ever offer. Everyone here knows he has never been one to coddle others and not even being married is going to change that.]
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Think you two can behave while I make dinner?
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He still doesn't get up from where he's sitting on the floor with Kaveh and Shadowlily in his lap, even as he stares at the board on the table.]
...Chess isn't productive.
[But he'll behave for Kaveh's sake. Honestly he feels too out of it to pester Alhaitham in his usual way, anyway.]
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It helps to keep your mind sharp and awake. [He returns without missing a beat, arms coming up to cross over his chest.] A good mental exercise is just as valuable as a physical one, but you'll have to be out in the yard for that.
[...yeah he's trying his best here okay, Alhaitham is not good at this making people feel better thing.]
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Haitham, do we still have any of the cookies from the other day?
[Kaveh is considering snacks and dinner in roughly that order.]
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He lets Kaveh pull him back up to his feet, Shadowlily having to leap away once there's no more lap to sit in. And, as if he's still in a kind of daze, Heizou makes his way over to the table. He slips into the seat opposite Alhaitham, eyes on the chessboard and frowning at the pieces.]
I'm really not that hungry.
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Alhaitham, on his own end, pointedly ignores the black ball of fur that has meandered its way over to him in favor of glancing over to his husband, nodding in response to the question. Yes, they still have the cookies. Yes, he did want to eat them. Yes, he'll give them to Heizou, he supposes, if they must.]
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[He tilts his head at Alhaitham--he'll give him some cookies, hush--and vanishes into the kitchen, though not before making a noise to beckon Shadowlily to follow him.]
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But finding such a thing takes effort. And Heizou can't seem to spare any for that right now. So he just stares and stares and stares at the chessboard, face blank and completely silent.]
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...for what it's worth, Alhaitham doesn't really make an attempt to egg him into playing chess—no point anyway if he isn't interested—so all he does it to pick up the book he brought along with him for this exact scenario and starts reading without another word. If he is at all bothered by the stiff silence that has come to settle in the room, he makes no show of it, simply doing nothing more besides continuing to read his book.]